So Barb Married A Dipshit

"I told you this damn baby was yours!"

"I fully intend to be here for my....HEY!!  Is that a hot tub?"

Generation eight!  Meet 211 Amadeus, named for the police code for robbery.

And yes, Crichton is his father.

"Oh yeah, I'll be coming to visit this kid a lot!"

Backing up a bit, while Barb was still at the hospital, this happened,

Sorry Leslie, I'm afraid you're going to get the short end of the father stick.

Things got weird right quick out by the hot tub.

"So, you're Barb's baby daddy, eh?  What is it you do for a living?"

"I'm in the music career.  I'm hoping to, eventually, write movie scores."

"Of course you do.  You're not a fairy, are you?"

"Um, no.  I have a son who is a fairy.  I think my wife has some fairy blood in there."

"Your wife?  Not you?  Are you sure?"

"Pretty darn sure.  My family is from Moonlight Bay and there have never been any fairies."

"That's good to know.  Moonlight Bay, huh?  I may have to look into real estate out there. Now, young man, are you going to be proposing to my descendent?"

"Uhhhhh.........................."

Oz: "I really don't want to know any of this.  Why isn't Mark here?  Now what am I supposed to do for fun?"

"Oh yes, you can definitely stay."

*Ahem*

Since the fertility treatment didn't do squat, Barb needs one more go round.  Might as well keep the same baby daddy.

"Hell yeah these boots were made for walkin'!!"

Before the last chime on the baby jingle fades out, Barb rolls this wish.

Really?

"Look, I got a kid now, and this big house.  I gotta get someone in here."

So......do you want to marry Crichton, or just anybody?

"Well it's his kid................."

Kids, you just got pregnant again.

"Dammit!!"

You know he's married with three other children, right?

"So?  I'll ask him and he can choose."

Sure.  What could go wrong?

"Well Crikey, how do you like the hot tub?"

"I love it!  So relaxing.  Wish we had one."

"You don't have one at home?"

"Nope.  I think we have a bathtub, though."

"Think about this, what if you were to live here instead of at your current house?  Then you could have the hot tub all the time!"

"I don't know.  Toni and I have been married for awhile now, and we have two children together."

"Three children."

"What?  Three?"

"Yes, she had your daughter at the hospital, at the same time I was giving birth to 211.  Remember?  The nurse told you to go see her."

"She said I could go and see my daughter if I wanted.  I thought she meant your baby!"

"Um, 211 is a boy."

"Yeah.  I just figured that there was a mistake somewhere.  Like maybe you brought home the wrong baby or something.  I didn't realize she meant my baby with Toni!"

"Oh shit, Crichton!  And you've been here all night!  Toni is gonna be so pissed at you!  You'd better not go home.  She might kill you."

"Oh my god, you're right!  What am I gonna do?"

"Just stay here, babe!  I'll take care of everything."

"Thank you.............uh..................."

"Barbra."

"Barbra!  Thank you!  I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You know, you really should divorce that harpy.  She can stay with the three kids and the bathtub, and you can live here with the one kid, and a hot tub!"

"Pfffft.  I can handle Toni."

"You should marry me, Crikey!  Just to be sure Toni doesn't come crawling back!"

"Wow! Seriously?  Yes, yes I will!!"

"Great!  First sign here..................Okay, now initial here............and here.....................and right here..........................one more.  Okay, now sign and date the bottom..............perfect!!"

"Oh......................................"

"Barbra."

"Right.  Oh Barbra, this is the happiest day of my life!"

"Oh Crichton, I've never been so relieved, nor felt so free!"

LOL!!  Only in the Sims.  They exchanged quick "I do"s in front of the hot tub and Barb got her wish.  Most romantic courtship and wedding of the legacy, yes?  Except for, you know, this......

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I've been holding that in for hours."

"BLECH!!!  What is that smell??"

"Ugh, just clean it up.  I'm going to investigate that unholy noise coming from upstairs."

'SOMEBODY FEEEEEEEDDDDD MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"

Don't worry, 211, Mommy will remember that she has a kid any minute now.

"I cannot believe I have a kid!  Will he ever do anything other than scream?"

Crichton did not do much in the baby department.  And Toni?  Don't feel sorry for her, she moved on right quick.

Nolan, by the way, is Llama's grandson.  The town is about 75% Amadeus at this point.  Almost everyone connects somewhere on the family tree.

And here's the new boy,

Here's 211 all growed up.  He's got the green eyes!

"Great.  Guess I have to use the tv to work out now."

"Swell!  Move it will you?  I want this machine."

"Bitch."

Meanwhile, back at home....

You're lucky toddlers are pretty heavy sleepers, Crichton.

Back at the gym,

Not a good day for you to work out at the gym, Toni.

"Hey Bitch!  I'm the hot piece of ass that your husband chose over you.  How's life treatin' ya'?"

"You're a horrible person!  I'll never forgive Crichton for breaking up our family, and I'll never forgive you for your part in it!  You just wait until we can fight.  I work out!"

"You 'work out'?  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!  I'll be in fighting form in two days, lady.  I look forward to seeing you."

"Oh god, you're scary!  Please, just take my purse and go!"

"Your PURSE?  Pffffft.  Like I haven't already stolen all I want from you."

Toni is human, btw, so I guess the fairy thing can skip a generation?  I believe her mother is a fairy.

"Man, why won't this kid shut up?  I'm trying to practice, here!"

Awwwww, what's the matter buddy?

"WAWA HUUUUUUUUNGY!!"

"DADDDDDDYYYYYY!!!!!"

"Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away."

Crichton didn't even have feeding 211 queued,  the asshole.  Finally it was getting really risky, so I had to cancel Barb's spa appointment and send her home.  It went about as well as you'd think.

"THIS is why I had to come home?  Hungry kid staring RIGHT AT HIS DAMN FATHER?"

"Nobody wuvs me."

SOMEBODY FEED THE DAMN BABY!!!

"Thank god that kid stopped cry...............why are you looking at me like that?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?  2 is hungry, CRYING in his crib RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, and I have to cancel my spa appointment because you won't feed him?  Who the fuck does that?"

"I HAVE to practice!  I don't know if you've noticed, but I'M the breadwinner here! I don't see you going to work and earning a paycheck.  My job is to bring home money, yours is to take care of the kid!!"

"I'm starting to see why Toni isn't exactly crying over losing your sorry ass!  Look pal, you want to live in MY house then you better help take care of your own damn kid!  I better not have to cancel ANY more appointments because of your selfish douchery!!"

"Hmph, she understands Toni?  Whatever. Crazy bitch doesn't know anything. You're fine kid.  I'm busy.  Play with your toys."

"Waaaaaahhhhhh!  My pawents ah asshoes!!"

Poor 2.

I gotta hand it to Toni.  She gives no fucks. It's still hilarious that she has the Amadeus last name.

Meanwhile, 2 begins hatching his big money-making scheme - the levitation toddler magic trick!

"Wook!  No hands!!"

"Maybe if I close my eyes, this will all go away and I'll be back out on the streets after dark looking for more cars to score."

I've had days like that.  Actually.................no, I haven't.

Georgie!  I'm so sorry, I forgot to put a bed out for you.  I'll put the souped up one in the yard for you.

*yaaaawwwwwnnnnnn* "Thanks, doll, but I'll be sleeping here tonight."

Crichton finally started noticing that he has another son.  Either that or his depth perception is way off.

"Hey Crikey, wanna do it in the hot tub?"

"I don't know, I'm kinda hungry.  I was grilling some hot dogs."

Can't leave Barb on free will for ten seconds.

"I'm gonna get something out of the fridge.  Those hot dogs will cook themselves, right?"

Dammit Barb!

"UGH!  They're all burnt!  Why do I have to finish cooking them?  They're Crichton's dogs!"

As penance for interrupting him in the first place.

Next morning I knew the baby was due. So I had Barb get up, shower, eat, use the toilet, all the important stuff.

"Just in time!  Why aren't I going to the hospital?"

Because of ..................... oh shit.

Hopefully he's not too hungry or lonely, cause he's likely gonna be sitting in that crib for a little while longer.

Meet Fox Amadeus,

named after the little statue sims get when they become a Master Thief.

"What the fuck??? Another one??"

Guess that fertility reward finally kicked in. Meet Vaguester, named after the most expensive car Barb can steal in the game.

Only two, thankfully.

"Hey assface, how about releasing the fridge from your cast iron grip and grabbing a baby here?  There's two, in case you haven't noticed."

"Three, you forgot the older one upstairs."

Fox and Vag (I know, don't care):  "We are so fucked."

Barb eventually, sort of, warms up to the babies out of necessity.

"Well, you're not too bad.  You're lucky I don't mind sleeping whenever throughout the day."

Yeah, forget about 2 learning his skills.

*foot tap*

"For fuck's sake, Crichton, there's two other babies, take care of one of them!"

"But I want to take care of the one YOU have!"

"Good lord you're stupid."

Then why do you want more kids with him?

"Whaaaa?"

"Oh.  That.  Well.  What can I say?  These guys are kind of cute!"

I think she's wearing sleep-deprived haze colored glasses.

"Anybody dere?  Mama?  Daddy?"

Hang in there, kid, someone will be there in a minute.

"Dat's okay.  I found someting to do."

"Zzzzzzzz you're lucky I'm a heavy sleeper or else I'd drown you in the pond zzzzzzZ"

I feel like something is missing, something we haven't done for awhile.  Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.     Oh yeah, Birthday Time!!

"I wish to be able to skate through the next few years without the social worker showing up."

You and me both. I let her have a cake because I'd rather she aged up on my timetable rather than the game's.

"Still fucking awesome, yes?"

Of course.

2 goes next.  Good luck with that trait kiddo.  Skillz, 211 no haz dem.

No skills, left to cry in his crib more than any other sim baby I have raised, and still scored "modest development"?  Game, I no get you.

"I never had a regular sleep schedule, so now I like to stay up late."

Could be much worse.

Fox grows up next.  Everybody got a cake.  No party + 4 cakes = tons of cake leftovers.

Then Vag, the only one to not get the green eyes.  No purple eyes either.

"Oops!!  Sorry!!"

*sigh*  I can't even get mad.  It's not like he was potty trained.

"Wake up, Barbra!  It's my birthday!!"

Crichton pisses me off so he doesn't get a cake.

"Seriously?  I got up to watch your sorry ass get old?  So glad I tapped that one last time before it started sagging all over the damn place."

You can just FEEL the love.

The babies are up at all hours, so Barb goes to bed when she's tired and the toddlers get the run of the place.

"No, I am not changing it to the 'funny bunny' channel, we are watching the shopping network.  And shouldn't you be in bed?  I knew that mother of yours was going to be a slack ass."

Vag: *nomnomnomnomnomnomnom*

Moo decided that Vag's company was lacking, so she decided to pay 2 a visit.

"Hello, older child!  When you awaken we will be discussing your horrendous fashion choices. A child of your coloring should NEVER wear orange."

"Whaaa?  Izzit time for school?  What time is it?"

"Ewww!  It's crazy-ghost-lady o'clock!"

Moo isn't the only one fucking with everybody.

MVP trashes my hopes by assuring me that the furniture will remain shit for the duration of this ISBI.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

Fox: "I'm tarving!  Will da' noisy ghost doggie feed me?"

Nope, and stay away from his bed.

" NO DADDY!!  I don't want a tiss, I hungey!!!!"

"DADDY, det me owta heah and div me a bottal!!"

Just surrender your hopes and pull up some despair to wallow in, Fox.  Your half-witted, buttmunch father is not going to feed you.

"Now for something really important.  Where's my guitar?"

"Dis is how I die."

"So, no sleep for me tonight."

Dammit Christopher!  Keep pulling this shit and I WILL ship your ass to the graveyard!

So according to the game, baldness is all the rage. I'm seeing it all over the place.  Men, women, kids.  The first few I ignored but then it got so prevalent, when I see one in the notifications I click on the portrait and give the poor sim some hair in CAS.

I mean look at this poor kid.  It's not like he won the genetic lottery right out of the starting gate.

Much better.  It matches his shirt!

"I hate this.  I just want to go to the spa for a nice massage and, instead, I have to teach this kid to talk?  2 didn't learn to talk and he turned out just fine!"

"NOW can I go to the spa?"

*sigh* Here we go again.

It's a triple birthday extravaganza!!

All of Barb's training wishes revolved around Vag, so Fox got shafted.  Still, I don't understand why 2 had a "modest" upbringing and Fox's was "difficult".

"This house is a total Monet.  From a distance it looks really nice, but the closer you look, the more it's a big ol' mess."

Vag takes her turn.  Doesn't the Grimmy statue look awesome?

I think Vag can walk and talk, but a toilet eludes her.

"I may not know my way around a bathroom, but that is NOT my puddle."

I didn't actually see who did it, but I'm gonna go with your dumb ass father.

"You have no proof."

Sorry dude, the proof is in the pits.

Meh.  I hate the vehicle enthusiast trait.  Nonsensical is fine but there's no excuse for nonsensical AND boring.

"My name is Vag?"

Your nickname is Vag, your name is Vaguester.

"..........yeah, I'll be hiding in the broom closet at school since I can't ever show my face."

One more cake.  Hell yeah we're stocking the fridge!

"I wish my sisters weren't so creepy."

In unison: "Happy Biiiiirrrrttthhhhdaaaaaayyyy Twooooooooooooo."

"I think I'll be joining Vag in the broom closet."

He got to roll his trait and he rolled 'loser'.  LOL!!

I decided to check on Max's kids to see how they turned out.

Poor Anita looks just like her Dad BUT she got the purple eyes!  Yay!!

Gillian got a case of baldsimitis, so I fixed her up.

She looks exactly like her mother. Man, Mara's genes are strong.

"Ahhhhh, who needs sleep?"

You, you loser!  Get out of there before you pee yourself and undo all the hard work the hot tub did to clean you up.

With no more babies in the house, Barb gets to hit the town.  First she goes to the spa.

"About damn time!  I could live here!"

Me too.

Then she went to the library to see if they had any pregnancy books, which is where we saw this little darling.

"Dis wibrawy is dah pinnacah of bwandness and homodeny.  Der is no cweativatee at all!"

Her name is Eugenia and she is Butch's granddaughter via his son Riley.

Woah, Lupin!  Old age has not been kind to you.

"Oh bug off!  I'm just waiting to die at this point."

After reading her pregnancy book, Barb went to the bar for some fun.

"Well hello!  Aren't you just beautiful!!"

"What the hell are you wearing?  I swear if you squirt me with that flower I'm gonna beat your ass into the ground, pregnant or not."

Miss Congeniality she's not.

We'll end it here.  Tune in next chapter to see how many babies Barb and Crichton neglect this time.  And can we keep the social worker away?  Will one of this horde of offspring be torchholder material?  Will I have to pick someone simply because Barb may get old and die on me?  I can't wait to find out.

Torchholders: 7

LTW: 3
Children: 23
Social Worker Visits: 0
Accidental/Total Deaths: 0/16
Pass Outs: 7
Pee fails: 14
Fires: 3
Fights: 0  
Reach top of career: 1
$100,000: 4