The Bathroom Conundrum

Eh, he's cute.  Why not?  For those who have forgotten, Trent is the dude Barb ran into at the bar, the one who had the flower in his lapel.  Barb was hungry anyway, so she invited Trent out to dinner.

No big. She's a child, not a teen, so she'll just follow someone home at 10pm.  What I forgot to take into account is that "someone" might be Barb.

"Hey Mom!  The police officer told me to just meet you here at the restaurant.  Um, who's this guy?  Where's Dad?"

Trent:"You have other children?  I had no idea."

Barb: "What?  Oh hell no, she's not my kid.  She's.....uh.....Crichton's kid.  Yeah, she's Crichton's."

Fox: "Yup, my parents still suck."

So Barb gathered up Fox, and whatever remained of her mojo, and went home.

Well.  This is new.  Yo!  Christopher!!  Where ya' goin'?

He went to the house next door (my simself's family's house).

Seriously, WTF?  *sigh*  Nraas > mastercontroller > open

Oh.  I'm sorry.  Were you tired?  Do we not have beds or couches?  Was it too noisy for your delicate, ethereal ears?  Whatever. You're the Simself family's problem now.

It didn't last.  He poofed away in only a few minutes, ready to haunt us again when the mood strikes him.

*grumble piss grumble bitch moan grumble*

Hey!  You had the babies!!

No Barb!  This is 2014, you cannot abandon your baby in the bushes!!

"You're right, there's absolutely no room here."

Go home, Barb.

This?  Is my simself's house, not home.

"Dammit, the neighbors don't want a new baby.  Something about the wife/mother finally kicking the bucket and being able to party again."

Go HOME, Barb.

"I'm going, I'm going.  I tell you what though, this one better not spend all day screaming her damn head off."

Feeding, changing, and playing with the babies goes a long way, dear.

"Have I told you to fuck off yet today?  No?  Then......"

At least the children have their father.

"Um, I'm not sure what the problem is, but I don't think this little guy is breathing."

Yes, I just used this meme, but I think it's worth using again.  For the children.

I'd hold my breath, too.

Wanna meet the little worms?  No?  LOL!  Too damn bad.

The girl is Bonnie,

And the boy is Clyde.

If you don't know who Bonnie and Clyde are, and why they are appropriate names for Barb's kids, then ffs open a new window and google them. Go on.  I'll wait.

Done?  Good.  You've learned something today.  You're welcome.

Waaaiiiit a second, you mean to tell me that they haven't been married all this time?  WHAT?  I TOTALLY PAY ATTENTION!!!

*walks off, whistling*

Ok, I'm back.

This next group of pictures is entitled "The House Has Two Bathrooms".

211: "What are you all doing in here, I need to shower!"

"Ew, what is that smell?"

"Look son, I'm taking a dump here.  I'd have opened a window for you if you'd used a modicum of common sense and knocked on the closed door.  Also?  Your mother is going to kill you.  You may wanna run for it."

"OH SHIT!  She's in vortex mode!  I'm a goner!"

"Well I'm gonna get the hell out of Dodge.  Good luck, son!"

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!  We have two bathrooms, you dumb ass!  And for fuck's sake, KNOCK!!!"

"I'm sorry, Mom!  Don't sell me to the Reaper!"

"Sell you to the Reaper?  Oh hell no, I'm not farming that shit out!  I'll bury you six feet under, myself!!  Now GET OUT!! And so help me, if you walk in on me again you better pray your sisters share that stupid treehouse cause that's where you'll be living!"

"Hmph.  I wonder if I could live with Aunt Max?"

Fox: "HOW did you get in there?  I really need to clean the shower but I've been denied!!"

"Mom's out of the shower, you can go in now."

"Awesom........oh crap!  2 said you were out of the shower, Mom!"

"Thisclose.  I am thisclose to moving out."

"GET THE HELL OUT!  So help me I will EVISCERATE the next person to come in here while I'm here.  And that means YOU TOO, Crichton!!  GOD what is WRONG with you people!!"

It's worth noting that no one was using the downstairs bathroom during this entire exchange.

Vag: "What's going on, Mom?  I heard all this fuss upstairs."

"Let me ask you this, Vag.  How many bathrooms do we have in this house?"

"Uh, two."

"That's right, two.  And each of them has something in which to clean your body, and something in which to piss and/or crap, correct?"

"Y...yes."

"Then WHY does everyone have this uncontrollable need to use the bathroom I'M using WHILE I'm in it?  Why can't people haul their respective asses to the other bathroom?  Or at least frickin' HOLD IT!"

"Um, I don't know.  Maybe everyone wants to hang out with you?"

........................................

..........................................

"No, I'm quite sure that's not it."

"I don't know what to tell you, Mom.  I gotta go.  I've got ............... nothing really.  This conversation is just totally weirding me out."

"I've always said nobody gets me."

"*sigh*  I tried to dump the wrong baby."

Clyde: "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!  I'M TOTALLY CLEAN, FED, AND IN THE GREEN BUT I'M GONNA SCREAM ANYWAY!!"

At least you have some more help this time.

2 seems to like taking care of the babies.

"At least somebody likes me around here."

Don't make me break out sad Ten again.

And Crichton isn't completely useless.

"WEEEEEEEE! Isn't that fun, Clyde?"

2: "I don't know, Dad. I think he's gonna barf on you."

WARNING!  WARNING!  NEW EP ALERT!!

You can send texts?  Interesting.  Barb!!  Text somebody!!

"Alright, hold on.  Whom should I text?"

"I can send an insulting text?  Sweet!!  I'll text that bitch, Toni."

*open contacts > scroll > scroll > scroll some more > scroll back up*

"Shit, she's not there!  WTF?  I'll bet Crichton deleted her, the douche.  *sigh*  FINE.  Let's see, who's my runner-up........."

"Heh heh, Oh Max, my dear sister.  We haven't talked since that waste-of-time encounter in the consignment shop.  I'll bet she'll love to hear from me."

"Hey Max!  I just got a new smartphone!  You're stupid, your face is ugly, and your husband looks like a mouse!  Later, Bitch!!"

*send*

*waits for response*

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*still waiting*

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**crickets chirping**


And fuck all happened.  You suck, EA.

I take it back (the fuck all, not the sucking).

What happened is this buttwipe showed up.

"Doo dee doo!  Don't mind me!  I'm just some schmuck dressed up in a llama outfit, here to leave a bucket of miscellaneous crap on your doorstep!  Anyone want to party?"

I don't know.  Looks like junk to me.

"Look you freak, get the hell off my lawn.  I've got a baby, and a very important phone call to take.  Now shoo!"

So who's on the phone?

"Like I give a shit."

"Oh my GOD, Crichton!  Will you just change Clyde's fucking diaper already!!"

"Hmmmm.  Baby is crying.  He seems to need something.  Maybe he needs me to play guitar?"

"FFS these babies need birthday cake NOW!!"

Luckily it is their birthday.

Clyde got the purple eyes!!  You're my new favorite, purple-eyed, evil toddler!!

"Well this is bullshit."

You're cute, too, Bonnie.

"WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS???"

You're throwing a party?  You hate parties.

"Yeah, well.  I kinda want to throw one.  Maybe they're not as bad as I remember.  But that's not important.  CRICHTON HAS A ROMANTIC FUCKING INTEREST!!!"

And she's married to your Uncle Abdul.  I've no idea.  He may have had her when I moved him in.  I never checked.

"I'LL KILL HIM!!"

Ok, but not until after the party.

"I wish to do well at school so I can get the hell out of here."

"I don't care about school.  I want to land a hot girl/boy friend so I can move the hell out."

Such a loving family.

Fox rolled "workaholic".

Vag rolled "great kisser".

You go Max.  A few more and you'll catch up to your sister.

"STOP calling me Vag, okay?  I'm SICK of it!  I HATE that nickname.  Elementary school was bad enough, I cannot go to high school sharing a nickname with a female body part!"

"Jeez, VAG, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is we are going to a new school.  I have a chance to start over.  You start calling me Vag, I'll be back at square one and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!!"

"Well, even if I stop calling you Vag, that's what all the kids in eighth grade called you.  They are not going to stop just because we're in high school.  What are you planning to do about them?"

"I'll deal with them tomorrow."

"LOL!  Whatever then.  Good luck. Vag."

Meanwhile, the other set of twins were having their own issues upstairs in their bedroom.

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You mad, bro?"

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Seriously bro, quit crying over nothing and come on over here and play with the invisible dolls!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"The simgod's gonna get pissed at you, then you won't be torchholder!"

*sniff sniff snot*

"Okay bro, calm down.  Just reach in the house, grab on, and have some fun!"

"You're right, sis!  Dis is awesome!!"

"Of course I'm right!  Now shake your head back and forth....."

The dolls eventually rendered when I exited camera mode.

Next time on the Wicked Short ISBI, the toddlers grow up, Vag has a teenlife crisis, and Barb becomes a productive member of society   earns an honest living  okay, she gets a job.  And she solves my "current torchholder is about to become an elder while potential torchholder is still a toddler" problem.

Torchholders: 7

LTW: 3
Children: 25
Social Worker Visits: 0
Accidental/Total Deaths: 0/16
Pass Outs: 7
Pee fails: 14
Fires: 3
Fights: 0  
Reach top of career: 1
$100,000: 4